


i know i cannot heal the hurt but i will hold you here forever

by xenorosis



Category: Avatar: The Last Airbender
Genre: Azula (Avatar) Needs a Hug, Child Azula (Avatar), Gen, Zuko is an Awkward Turtleduck
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-12-25
Updated: 2020-12-25
Packaged: 2021-03-11 02:29:16
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,233
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28317522
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/xenorosis/pseuds/xenorosis
Summary: Zuko and Azula, over the years.
Relationships: Azula & Zuko (Avatar)
Comments: 4
Kudos: 46





	i know i cannot heal the hurt but i will hold you here forever

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Callie_Girl](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Callie_Girl/gifts).



> my gift to aaron for the avatar secret santa! hope you like it :)

_i._

Zuko is just two years old and now he has a sister. He’s not sure exactly what that means but he’s excited. He’ll have someone to play with when mom is busy and Lu Ten has to study or train.

The palace servants have been busy and he hasn’t seen mom since last night. He had to stay away from their rooms. That’s what Lo and Li said. So he’s been playing with Lu Ten. Lu Ten can make fire come out of his hands and it was very cool. Zuko can’t wait until he learns to do it. He can show his dad and he’ll be excited too!

While he’s eating breakfast, mom’s maid comes to get him. Zuko leaves his food unfinished and goes running through the halls ahead of her. He has to stop and wait outside the door because it’s too heavy for him to open. He hops on his feet while he waits, bouncing impatiently. He wants to go inside!

Mom’s laying back against her pillows. She looks tired and there’s something in her arms. Dad isn’t there but Zuko doesn’t care. He’s too busy hurrying to scramble up the bed. 

Ursa smiles as he crawls over to her, reaching out her empty arm to pull him close. “Look who it is, Zuko.”

It’s easier to see the bundle in her arms now. Wrapped carefully in the blanket is a face, small and pale. Zuko’s eyes widen as he takes in the existence of a person smaller than him. “Sister?”

Ursa nods, face tired but smiling. “Her name is Azula.”

“Azula,” he tries to repeat. It doesn’t come out quite right. “She’s small.”

Ursa laughs. “Yes she is. And you’re her big brother, so you get to help take care of her.”

Zuko nods furiously, eyebrows scrunched and eyes narrowed as he accepts his duty. He’ll do anything to protect his little sister. 

_ii._

“Azula!” Zuko yells, running into the room where she’s playing with her nanny. “Azula, look!”

Azula looks up from where she’s stacking blocks on the floor. Her eyes are the same gold as his and they shine in the light coming through the room’s large windows. She smiles, wide and sweet. It’s a good smile, Zuko thinks, but he likes it better when he can make her laugh. 

Zuko stops to kneel in front of her, already grinning in his excitement. “Are you ready?”

Azula nods. Zuko pauses to slow his breathing after running through the halls. Then he holds his fist out in front of him for Azula to see. He slowly opens it to reveal a small flickering flame. Azula gasps, delighted with the fire sitting in his palm. She reaches out to touch and he pulls back quickly. He has to protect her.

“No!”

At her hurt look, he explains gently. “You’ll get hurt.” 

Azula pouts but doesn’t try again when he reopens his palm. They sit like that, Zuko opening and closing his hands to reveal flickering fire, until the servants come to call them for dinner. 

Azula is the first person to see his progress in his fire bending. Every time he learns something new, he shows it to her. It’s nice to see her eyes light up, just like they do in the sun. 

_iii._

Zuko frowns from where he’s sitting in the shade of the trees surrounding the outdoor training platform. Azula is going through her forms on her own; she has grown past the need for a teacher. There isn’t much left she can be taught. She’s moved on to improving her skills on her own. 

Zuko’s eyes widen when the fire shooting out of her fists comes out tinged in blue. Judging by the look on her face, Azula isn’t expecting it either. She stares at her fists for a moment before going through her stances again, this time with focused purpose. Sure enough, her fire comes out completely blue. 

Zuko turns away, leaning against the tree trunk and sliding down to the ground with a quiet groan. He’s still learning his stances and here she is doing something he’s never seen before. It looks impressive though. With Zuko’s luck, she’s just invented something completely new. 

He walks away, not really paying attention to where he is going. Maybe he can stay away from father long enough to avoid a lecture on Azula’s talent.

Zuko ends up in the palace gardens. He wanders among the fire lilies. They were close to blooming and the flower buds were large and bright. The fruit trees already have their blooms, filling the whole garden with a heady sweet smell. 

He stops walking when he reaches the centre of the garden. There isn’t much here. Zuko always thought the centre of the gardens should have been more impressive but there was merely a small field of more fire lilies. 

None of that had mattered when he and Azula played here as children. They spent hours hiding from each other in the rows of tall plants. It was a place just for them; Azula had never told Mai or Ty Lee, at least not to Zuko’s knowledge. 

He misses those days. It hurts to remember them. Zuko doesn’t know when things between them started to change. When his sister became sharp and angry, a person made of carefully calculated words and dangerous eyes. Her eyes aren’t bright like he remembers. They don’t shine when she laughs. They’re just cold, cold, cold, nothing like the hot fire in her palms. 

Zuko thinks he should hate her. Sometimes he really does. But mostly he misses when talking to her was easy and when they could get lost in the gardens for hours. 

He misses his sister.

_iv._

Zuko watches as Aang goes through the drills Zuko asked him to do. He’s making quick progress. He’s not a bad student. 

When he’s done, he comes over to sit next to Zuko on the temple steps. They sit in silence for a bit. Zuko’s new to this “team” thing. What’s he supposed to say? How do people make conversation? His attempts so far have just been awkward. 

“So,” Aang starts and Zuko immediately mourns the loss of the silence, “what are you thinking about?”

Zuko isn’t quite sure how to answer that. He’s had a lot on his mind: he’s committed treason, his uncle is missing, he’s training the avatar. 

None of that is what he says. Instead, he ends up confessing to something he’s been very careful to bury deep, deep down. “Azula. I… I’ve been thinking about her.”

Aang straightens a bit from his relaxed posture. He doesn’t say anything, just waits for Zuko to volunteer more information. Zuko appreciates his patience as he tries to put his thoughts together, stringing confusing feelings into clear words. 

“I miss her.” He shocks himself with his own honesty. “Which is weird, considering… well, everything. But I do.”

Aang nods. “What was it like, when you were little?”

Zuko’s mouth tilts up into a small smile. “Fun. We did a lot of stupid things together. It’s like that, with siblings. You get each other to do things you probably shouldn’t. We climbed up onto the palace roof once. I fell off and broke an arm.”

“Yikes.”

“Yeah,” Zuko laughs. “I was six and Azula was just four. She cried for hours and we never went up to the roof again.”

“I can’t really imagine Azula crying,” Aang admits. 

“She was a kid once,” Zuko says quietly. “She had to grow up too fast.”

“I think we all had to,” Aang says. Zuko doesn’t reply to that. He doesn’t want to think about how much the war has changed him. 

“Maybe, after we end this war, you can start again?” Aang offers. “You can both have the chance to grow up together. Better late than never, right?”

Zuko considers the proposal. “Hopefully, she’ll still want to talk to me then. But… yeah I think I’ll try to fix things with her.”

Aang smiles. “I’d say we could help, but Azula doesn’t like us much.”

“Yeah,” Zuko grins. “She might hate you all more than she hates me. Which I didn’t think was possible.”

“Come on,” Aang jumps to his feet, tugging on Zuko’s arm. “Let’s see if Sokka and Katara have any advice.”

Zuko let him pull him to his feet, walking after Aang as the boy leapt ahead with his airbending. 

Moments like this made him really glad he left the Fire Nation. 

_v._

The halls are silent as Zuko makes his way to what is now Azula’s wing of the palace. The healers tried to convince him to move her out of the palace completely but he turned them down immediately. He didn’t want to alienate her more than she already had been. So she stayed, free to wander in that one wing alone. Her healers have informed him she stays mostly near the windows, gazing out at the world she is kept from. 

Zuko has made an attempt to visit her every day since the end of the war. Some days, he falls asleep at his desk while working and others he’s pulled aside by someone asking him about one issue or another. So far, he’s succeeded in keeping his visits fairly regular. 

Not that it seems to make a difference. Azula has yet to look at him, let alone speak. It’s mostly been Zuko talking, rambling on about the annoying nobles, the various laws he’s putting into place, and the slow progress being made after the end of the war. He tries to bait her into at least criticizing his rule so far but she’s indifferent to it all. 

But Zuko has vowed to himself not to give up on her. She’s his sister and he wants to mend their relationship. They may not ever have what they did as young children but at the very least he wants a sister that is content not to murder him. 

Today’s visit begins the same as always. He finds Azula by her usual window, eyes glazed and focused on the distant trees. 

He starts, as always, with the first thought that pops into his head. It may not be the smoothest way to start a conversation, but no one ever said he was eloquent. 

“You know what I miss most? The turtleduck pond.” His words hang, heavy in the silent air between them.

Zuko watches as Azula’s eyes drift to the right, eyeing the edge of the pond, which is just barely visible from this window. 

“I know it’s still there. I just don’t have the time to sit and watch them swim anymore. Maybe I should take my work out there tomorrow. Agni knows no one would argue. I doubt many of them are happy with me on the throne but they’re eager to please anyway.”

Zuko lapses into silence as he thinks of more to say. His eyes glance over Azula’s short hair, cut evenly after she chopped some off the day of their Agni Kai. She’s slumped in her chair, dressed in a plain red robe and house slippers. It’s disheartening to see her usually carefully put together appearance so dishevelled. 

He looks away. He wishes he knew what to say, what to do to get her to respond. Before he gets the chance to try again, there’s a quiet knock on the door. At his call to come in, a servant appears with a tray of food. He leaves it on the table, bows, and walks out. 

“I asked them to make your favourite,” Zuko says quietly, nudging the tray towards her. “Meat dumplings with extra spice.”

Azula turns away from the window to stare at him with eyes robbed of their shine. 

“Darling Zuzu,” she says, voice raspy from disuse, “why do you keep trying?”

It’s meant to come across as mocking. Instead it feels fragile. Azula is no longer the girl in power; she’s just a girl who’s tired and scared of being abandoned again. 

“You’re my sister and I care about you.” Zuko’s voice is firm, leaving no room for argument. 

Here is where the old Azula would have mocked him. Now, she just responds with a barely audible “I don’t believe you.”

The honest admission hurts. A fourteen year old girl’s response to affection shouldn’t be blatant disbelief. It took time for Zuko to understand how Ozai hurt him and even longer for him to realize he had hurt Azula too. Now he wonders how he could have missed it. He wishes Uncle Iroh had tried to help Azula the same way he had Zuko. 

There are so many things he wishes he could change. 

“Please eat, Azula.”

She eyes him for a moment longer. Then she reaches for the chopsticks, picking up a dumpling and biting it with her typical grace. Zuko is silent as she chews and swallows, watching as her eyes regain the slightest bit of light. 

“How did you remember they were my favourite? We haven’t eaten these since before mom disappeared.”

Zuko smiles. “They were all you ate for almost a year. How could I forget?”

The corners of her lips turn up in the smallest smile. It’s so quick he almost misses it but it makes his heart swell with pride. 

They’re still broken but they won’t be forever. 


End file.
